Fear in the Driver Seat
Confession: I didn’t get my driver’s license until I had graduated from college. I was 22-ish.
I told friends I didn’t need a car to commute to school; the train got me there just fine. I told my parents I just wasn’t interested. Occasionally, when asked, I would claim to be saving money for insurance.
All of that was a lie.
The truth was: I was afraid to drive.
Crazy, I know – For those who know me, they know I would drive anywhere, anytime. It relaxes me, believe it or not.
So perhaps looking back, it would have been better to say: I love to drive, but was afraid to fail the test.
When the state trooper told me at age 16 that my parallel parking needed work during my first attempt to become licensed, I left the state driver’s testing center that afternoon crestfallen and ashamed.
And something within me said: “I can’t go through this again. What if I fail a second time?”
So I decided then not to move forward. I let fear sit in the driver seat of my life.
That’s why, in some bizarre way, I feel for King Herod.
This man, in many ways, was on top of the world. His subjects both feared and respected him. He could have had anything he wanted.
But when he got word that a newborn from Bethlehem might one day become king – and thus possibly usurp his own power – Herod did whatever he needed to do in order to protect his own interests. To stay in control. To preserve his safety according to his own ways and means.
Herod did many evil and sinful things in order to maintain the box of protection around him, but I can’t help but wonder: how much of it was fear of losing what he thought mattered that ultimately drove his heart and actions?
When he called the religious leaders around him to find out more about this messiah-king, it was fear.
When he asked the star-following foreign travelers to report back to him what they find, it was fear that led that request-demand.
We make Herod out to be the villain in the story of Jesus. Certainly evil got a hold of him in many ways. And yet I can’t help but think that Herod was – deep-down – just a scared man afraid of losing his power, his prestige and his control.
Aren’t we all at different times and in various ways?
I’ll never forget someone (a psych professor, maybe) once told me – and it may be something you already know – that almost every emotional outburst and every act of selfishness and sin often comes back to one driving force: fear.
I cling too tightly to someone in an unhealthy relationship because I am afraid to lose them. The anger that bursts forth in moments of disagreement comes from a place that says: I fear losing; I fear being wrong; I am afraid to look foolish and not get my way.
We fear not being loved. We fear loneliness. We fear so very much, don’t we?
The question is: how do we become less like Herod and more like the wise-seekers? How do we keep the star of courage and trust at the center of our spiritual and life journeys?
A few thoughts for the new year:
First, make daily prayer a priority, and let the Lord know your fears and worries. Surrender them to Him. Let Him use them and transform them. And be bold in offering even the fears you have as a gift to the Lord: “Heavenly Father, even this fear I surrender to you right now. You know I am afraid. Use even this to accomplish your will in me.”
Secondly, when other emotions come to the surface in which you find yourself feeling unsettled, do the hard work of asking: Is there something here I am afraid to deal with? What fear might really be driving my decisions right now? Then, move forward confidently.
Third, don’t be afraid to go to Confession. Isn’t it funny that most of our sins often result from a place of either selfishness or fear – or a combination of both? I grasp for power and control (or fortune and fame) because I am afraid of not being seen, loved, and safe. And interestingly, Satan uses the same weapon of fear to keep us from using this great Sacrament of True Freedom. “I can go directly to God” and “Why do I need to tell a priest” is Satan’s way of keeping us chained to sin using fear. He doesn’t want to see us set free to love and be loved the way God created us to be.
Lastly, hold onto St. Teresa of Avila’s words, ones that I keep in my Bible and prayer book: “Let nothing disturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.”
When all is said and done, we really have two choices in life: that of Herod or that of the Three Kings.
The first destroyed all around him through fear; the latter never stopped seeking the Light and the Truth, no matter how many times they may have stumbled or gotten lost along the way.
Herod never found what his heart really sought because he was too locked into himself and his fears. The Wise Travelers allowed a burning desire to seek-out the Savior’s love conquer whatever fears they may have had starting out on the journey.
Herod the king used others to try to extinguish the Light. The Wisemen found the Light together.
At the end of the day, that’s the definition of who we are called to be as a Church community: seekers of the Light, together.
Like Peter we might start to sink as we walk on the waves toward Christ. Don’t let fear have the last word.
Like Mary Magdalen, we may want to cling to only what is safe. Be bold and let go of the fear.
Like St. Joseph, we may want to say ‘no’ to the challenges that come from listening to God and following His ways. Trust and move forward in faith anyway.
Like Our Lady, it may be a true agony to stand at the foot of the Cross – our own, or others. Trust that Resurrection is coming.
Fear is a powerful force, but love is greater.
King Herod refused the gift of Love that awaited him. The kings never stopped seeking it.
What will drive your car during this year ahead?