I’m sorry.
I feel like those words never really come from the Church in any official way whenever the topic of divorce comes up. Instead, we are more likely to hear: Don’t do it. It’s a sin. Shame.
And yet, I know that every person in this church has been affected by the reality and the pain of divorce. You yourself may have gone through it; as children, your heart has been torn open watching your beloved parents face the reality of it; you have stood by best friends deciding whether or not to go through with it; you may at this very moment be pondering the reality of making just such a decision.
And again I say: I’m sorry. It’s a cross that none of us wants to carry; a cross that none of us wished for. And God knows how painful a reality it is.
Yes, God’s words are clear in today’s Gospel: what He has joined together, let no one else attempt to separate. Furthermore, this private advice to the disciples: whoever divorces his or her spouse and marries another commits adultery.
They are hard words to hear from a loving, merciful God. They don’t seem to be so merciful, quite frankly. Most other Christian churches no longer hold the views on marriage and divorce as the Catholic Church does for this very reason: this saying is just too hard.
But hard sayings don’t mean ignore it. Hard saying don’t mean sugarcoat it. Hard sayings demand a deep-dive, and that’s really what Jesus is asking of us when he speaks on the truth and beauty of sexuality and marriage and love.
When the Pharisees came to Jesus to ask the question about divorce, they really didn’t care about the truth of marriage or married love. They actually knew inside-out the letter of the law held by those who practice the Jewish faith: Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of the human heart.
Meaning: Divorce is often the reality of a broken love. As sinners – every one of us -- we all experience and live such ego-driven love in a variety of ways. Whether we know it or not, the love we share and desire is often very much focused on one’s self. What do I get? How does it make me feel?
To a certain degree, this is understandable. God made us for love, and He wants us to receive and embrace love that is freely given. But such love also has to be offered and given away; poured out in sacrifice. Love is supposed to be received but never bottled up or twisted and abused for selfish reasons. Love makes whole and love unites as one.
And that message is really at the heart of Jesus’ tough sayings about divorce: How are you loving?
Since becoming pastor of the parish at the University of Delaware this past summer, I have met some incredible young people striving to have a genuine encounter with the Lord and His Church. They are seeking Him with all their hearts, and like all young people, they are idealistic. They want to live the hard sayings of Jesus.
In particular, one young man’s courage to understand love will forever remain with me, and in his own way, his life is a testament to the truth of love that God asks all of us to live.
Gabriel (not his real name) identifies as same-sex attracted. Like all of us, he has desires and emotions and feelings of love and lust that can get very messy and wrapped-up in the joys and traumas we experience in life. Like all of us, he wants to love and be loved. And for years, by his own admission, he never wrestled with the Church’s teachings on marriage and sexuality.
“I just figured the Church was wrong,” he shared with me. “I ignored that part of Catholicism.”
One day, though, Gabe was slammed by grace – there’s no other way to put it – and he began to delve into the reasons why the Church offers such guardrails on the mountainous climb to holiness. In the end, Gabe’s understanding of love was transformed.
By his own account, he began to see what authentic love is meant to be. Make no mistake about it: it takes a lot for that love to break through the hardness of our hearts. By reading the Catechism and the writings of past popes – especially John Paul II – this college student came to these conclusions about love and why the Church teaches what she does:
First, by God’s design, we really are made to give ourselves away in love, and such love both unites the couple for life and opens up both to the gift of procreation. As one seminary professor would teach us in morality class: “You can’t separate love-making from baby-making. Too often, though, we do.”
Yes, that’s a hard saying. But it’s the very heart of what married love means: self-gift. For the other. For the chance to create life. For a union that wears away the rough edges to reveal the God-within.
It’s impossible without grace.
This kind of love also is an act-of-the-will. As any married couple will tell you, most days it’s a challenge to love with feeling that comes close to matching what we always thought love would be. It’s the kind of love that sits and listens to one’s spouse when you’d rather be absorbed in the football game; it the love that cleans-up the other’s vomit at 3 a.m.; it’s the love that puts the needs of the other first, while still being able to freely share one’s own needs and concerns. It’s a love that says: “I don’t feel like doing it, but I choose to do it for you – for us.”
And most days, that’s impossible. It takes a Sacrament to make it work. It takes Confession and Eucharist to strengthen and heal and move forward in holy ways.
Sometimes, sadly, all the prayers and marriage counseling and whatever else we try to do in order to heal a broken marriage bond still result in divorce. If that is a part of your story, I am sorry. Know that God has not nor will He ever abandon you.
But He does ask this: walk with Him, even after the papers are signed. Let the Church guide you, especially if you find yourself falling in love again. Your own words of “I do” are a sacred vow made before God to another, so please don’t just walk away from it without the healing the Lord longs to offer. In the end, that’s what annulment is all about. Healing. Moving forward in God’s freedom.
It is never about anger and punishment, at least when Christ is involved. It’s about holiness and authenticity. It’s about loving and being loved in the way you were always meant to experience.
Married love – all love – is about selfless sacrifice. It transforms and gives life. And It isn’t always easy. But as one UD student taught me through his own search for the meaning of love: it’s worth it all to follow the hard sayings of Christ.